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-.-

Omg summer is almost over and I haven’t really done anything for my classroom. Eeeek. It’s really hard not to splurge and spend half my pay check making every thing just perfect for my new wittle ones. I am excited though. I know I’ll have everything put together in no time. I have a new assistant this year, and although I LOOOVED my other one who got moved, I think my new one is going to be just as good. Hopefully she won’t be nit-picky and one-track-minded, because I’m really spontaneous and like, 13 track-minded. 

My mother is moving to the same school as me. She has done this before, and she left in about two weeks which kind of left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth towards me after that. I am a good teacher like her, but other than that, personality wise we couldn’t be more different. I’m not worried about her though, when things SHOULD stress me out, I am always bombarded by this little bubble of calm that tells me not to listen to anyone of any voice in my head that makes me want to worry. It’s like I have a xanax chemical in my brain. Probably stored up there in a clot or something from all the clonopin I used to pop. HA.

I remember I started this blog because I wanted to get healthier, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Hmm.

Mentally I’m about an 8 out of 10. I feel better than I have in years. I’m taking my meds right and I have been seeing Dr. B. regularly. Not as many nightmares, less anxiety, sober <3 

Emotionally I’d say 6 out of 10. I feel better about my self worth, and more humble in general. I’ve mad a lot more friends that I actually like. I haven’t been suicidal except for a few meager occasions and I think that’s just because I made it a habit of “wanting to die” when things got hard. My attitude could use some work. I get really mean and fed up sometimes, but I’m striving for progress, not perfection. When I feel pangs of self hatred and guilt, I’ve really been trying to “self soothe” rather than self destruct. 

Physically I have started going to a gym for strength training whenever I feel like it. I like knowing it’s there for me to escape to. I’m not crazy about it, because I’m not the gym rat type. I like outside stuff. Which is why I started the couch to 5k thing. Right now I can run non stop for 7.5 minutes. It’s not much, but it’s more than I could do at the beginning of summer. I’d like to try this gluten-free kind of diet.. but I’m not pushing it. :)

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Ice and Stone

Sometimes I like the walls I keep up around me. They protect me and give me comfort. I sleep easier now without needing anyone beside me.
I stopped clinging to my bare matress that was wet with tears and the heat of my breath from screaming into it, missing him and longing, aching to be held.

This hardness scares me somewhat. I remember being a complete brick at one point in my life. I had a poker face that no one could see through. Toying with people was a hobby, for when I got bored with someone’s lack of intellect or creativity.

I had just graduated and found a soul to prey upon. One night he was out of town and I was staying at his house. I thought no one would be home, but his roommate was and convinced me I couldn’t stay in by myself on New Year’s Eve. I knew what was going to happen the second I got in the guy’s jacked up Chevy. My boyfriend had told me he loved me over the phone for the first time, and I hung up on him, pretending the call had dropped, as I clenched his roommate’s flannel shirt in my fist in front of a party full of people who knew my boyfriend. I didn’t care. Screw him over first before he gets the chance to hurt me. 

Somehow, word got back to the sucker I had following me around like a lost dog behind a pork chop. He was destroyed. I never denied it, I just meticulously answered every question he asked in a way that made him trust me, forget his anger, and shut up about it. His roommate was still around when I would come over. I remember slyly asking him to take a picture of my boyfriend and me before we left one might. I posed, arms around my beau and looked through him with eyes of steel as the picture was taken. I don’t know what made me break out of that empty shell I had become, but I did. I’ve always felt raped, like the men I used deserved the pain I inflicted on them. I still get a little satisfaction, now that it’s been 6 years or so, and one of those moronic bastards leaves a voicemail in the middle of the night.


Link

Here we go..

There’s a knock at your door, you say “Come in” and your ex enters. What do you think would happen next?

….click-click, BOOM. With my 55 mag. 

Just kidding. I’d probably just ask him to go get me something out of his truck and when he walked outside I’d lock the door. Piece of cake.

Do you consider yourself to be an atheist? I did for a long time. No, not anymore.

How old is the last female you talked to?
My mom- she’s like 53 I think,.. IDK

Who did you last say “I hate you” to? Why did you…
A boy I’m sure… I’m trying to be more careful when I say things like that. Words are so powerful. I think this guy had said something on Facebook I didn’t like. Immature, yes. He just laughed at me. 

Are you currently nervous or anxious, for any reason at all?
I’m calm :)   …I ain’t got no worries!

Is there someone who can always make you smile, no matter what?

No

If you felt ready to have sex before your partner did, how long would you be prepared to wait for him/her, before you’d consider ending the relationship?

Sex is something I take very seriously. I doubt I’d be ready before my partner these days, after all I’ve been through. But in the event that I was, I’d wait as long as he wanted. The next person I’m intimate with will be my husband. I’m staying celibate until I’m married. I think that’s incredibly sexy. ;)

Think of the last person, of the opposite sex, that you had a conversation with. Are you attracted to this person?

…….Ok just a little. But he’s sleazy. No, no… NO. 

Do you remember the first time you met the last person you texted?

Who freaking cares? Next. 

The last time you cried, who was there to comfort you?

Michael Hosea in the book Redeeming Love <3 So far I’ve cried out of anger twice in this book… and it’s so, SO satisfying to keep reading. I highly recommend it, ladies!

Could you tell me please, what color each of these things are?
~ Your hair: Blonde on top with a dark brown layer underneath
~ Your eyes: Blue
~ Your shirt: Grey
~ Your socks: I can’t find ANY of them o_O
~ Your shoes: I’m barefoot.. 
~ Your underwear: Always something cute to look at ;)
~ Your purse/wallet: Lime green
~ Your phone: Silver
~ Your computer/laptop: Black
~ Your earphones: Electricblue
~ Your best friend’s hair: Dark brown with blonde highlights
~ Your best friend’s eyes: Brown

The last person that hurt you tells you that they’re sorry. You say ….
………..uh
Look me in my face…I ain’t got no worries

Have you ever told anyone that you wished you’d never met them? Did you mean it?

Yes, yes.

Think of the person you had feelings for this time last year, and then think of the person you have feelings for now. Are these two people in any way similar, or totally different? Or, is it the same person?

That’s like, too much to think about. Sorry

If you spot a spelling or grammar mistake in anything you read, does that bother you?

I notice it, but I’m a first grade teacher. Doesn’t get under my skin.

Finally, name someone who has made you smile in the last 24 hours.

I think it was a post from Drifteratheart, something from the Wonder Years show… I just love Kevin Arnold <3 

xoxoxo
JAM

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"If you leave, please stay gone"

— Cc (six word story)

(Source: barefootcoyotechild, via haiezd)

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"My horns are big enough to fill all the holes in your head."

— JAM

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Chat

Mmmm

  • Michael: I learned a long time ago we’ve control of little in this world, Amanda. It doesn’t belong to us. It’s out of our hands... All we can change is the way we think and the way we live.
  • Angel: And you’ve made up your mind to keep me with you for a while.
  • Michael: Not for a while. Permanently. I’m hoping you’ll make up your mind to stay... Whatever anyone else has said and done to you, it’s up to you now to make the decision. You can decide to trust me.
  • Angel: Just like that?
  • Michael: Yes. Just like that. One day at a time.
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"Love cleanses, beloved. It doesn’t beat you down. It doesn’t cast blame. My love isn’t a weapon. It’s a lifeline. Reach out and take hold, and don’t let go."

(Source: mollymiia)

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Reblog if you’ll PUBLICLY answer anything in your ask right now.

Ask away, lovies! 

(via hyperactives)

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BOOM SHAKA LACKA!!!! \M/

(Source: Spotify)